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For some women, home is no longer a safe haven where they find peace and succour. They live in fear of their spouses who are meant to love and protect them. SODIQ OJUROUNGBE writes about how domestic violence is taking a terrible toll on victims, chronicling their pains, journey to freedom and attempts to rebuild somewhat shattered dreams.
Arike’s story is typical of many young ladies with happy-ever-after dreams. She met, fell in love and got married to her heartthrob. But soon after the wedding, her husband, Olamilekan Idowu began to exhibit certain vile behaviours that got his wife bothered.
According to Arike, who is a fashion designer, he suddenly became controlling and demanding, and he would lose his temper and beat her up over small issues. The young lady said at first, she tried to excuse his behaviour and blamed it on stress but as the beatings increased, she realised that this was not just a phase but her life’s reality.
For 13 years, Arike lived in fear of her husband and walked on eggshells around him to avoid being kicked and punched. Over time, the mother of three normalised the abuse, learned to cover her bruises with makeup and continued about the ‘happy’ state of her home to friends and family members.
Sadly, gradually eating away at Arike’s being was the emotional abuse she was subjected to by her husband. “I knew that my children deserved better than this. They needed to feel safe and loved, and I am determined to give them that. If I am financially stable, I would just get out finally and never look back.”
The letter, which was sighted by PUNCH Healthwise and titled ‘The day I will never forget’, chronicled the different fights between his parent and how had been planning to commit suicide or run away from home.
Domestic violence in Nigeria
Just like Arike, many Nigerian women daily experience physical and emotional abuse at the hands of their husbands. Domestic violence is a serious problem in Nigeria, and it has far-reaching consequences for both women and children.
The World Health Organisation estimated that one in three women in Nigeria has experienced physical or sexual violence, and this violence often takes place within the home. According to the WHO, the impact of domestic violence on children can be as devastating as it is on women.
The global health body noted that children who witness domestic violence are at risk for a range of problems, including behavioural issues, mental health disorders, and even substance abuse. In worst-case scenarios, WHO noted that such children may even attempt suicide, adding that they are more likely to become victims or perpetrators of gender-based violence as they grow up.
Scaring statistics
According to a 2019 survey by the Nigerian National Bureau of Statistics, 30 per cent of Nigerian women aged 15-49 have experienced physical violence, while a shocking 68 per cent have encountered emotional, economic, or sexual abuse
A search by PUNCH Healthwise on the national gender-based violence dashboard website showed that 12,995 sexual and gender-based violence cases had been reported across the country in 2023. The Executive Secretary, Lagos Domestic and Sexual Violence Agency, Mrs. Titilola Vivour-Adeniyi told our correspondent that 93 per cent of domestic violence cases were reported by women.
According to her, domestic violence cases range from verbal, emotional, and physical abuse from their spouses. After leaving her abusive husband, Abiola began the long process of healing. According to her, with the help of prayers, reading the bible and counselling, she gradually healed from the trauma of her past.
She told our correspondent that she found new friends who supported and encouraged her to pursue her dreams, adding that during her healing process, she discovered a passion for helping other women who had been through similar experiences. Abiola, who is now an author of over 70 books, said she decided to start a foundation to help women who are victims of domestic violence.
According to her, she became driven by the passion to provide a safe space for them to heal and to find the strength to move on with their lives. She revealed that the non-governmental organisations, Esther Life Kingdom Foundation, offer counselling, support groups, and legal assistance to women.
Realising red flags
Looking back, Abiola said she saw the warning signs of domestic violence whilst dating her husband but ignored them.
She advised other women to never take such signs for granted as it might cost them their lives.
The author said, “When you’re dating someone, study how the person relates with family members and others. Find out about every member of the family.
“My ex-husband wasn’t in a good relationship with his family and doesn’t like his mother. If he couldn’t forgive his own mother and doesn’t respect her, how will he respect you? If she doesn’t respect and couldn’t forgive her dad, how will she respect and forgive you?
“Then look at her emotional maturity. People with low self-esteem end up abused, irrespective of their gender. Emotional blackmail is also one of the abusive tools men need to look out for because most male abuse issues are not violence-based. It is more of emotional and psychological torture, which later leads to depression.”
Overcoming trauma
On how to get out of trauma caused by years of gender-based violence, Abiola said, “There is no point crying. The question should be, how do I survive this? Crying and complaining will not solve the problem; getting angry or bitter will not help either.
“As we are talking now, I have no iota of bitterness or anger against my ex-husband. That’s why I can talk and laugh about it now. When you have negative emotions, you can’t think straight or see the road ahead. You will keep hurting and getting hurt. Then, there is the issue of empowerment. When life throws you up, pick yourself up, and do whatever you have to do to survive. When I say whatever, I mean legally and decently.”
Continuing, she advised, “Don’t do things that make people stigmatize you. I don’t make friends with married women and visit their homes. I don’t because I don’t want to be accused of trying to seduce someone’s husband. “As a survivor, you have to put boundaries and be disciplined. You know that in my line of work, I deal mostly with men, so discipline and comportment have to be there.
“Don’t borrow money from people who will take advantage of you and also don’t cry around people who will take advantage of you. This is one of the things that make single mothers fall victim to sexual assault and harassment.”
Gender-based violence impacts mental health
A Senior Registrar in Psychiatry at the Federal Neuro-Psychiatric Hospital Yaba, Lagos, Dr Samuel Aladejare, said gender-based violence has a devastating impact on mental health.
He noted that those who have witnessed or survived gender-based violence are more likely to be perpetrators in the future.
Aladejare who is the Lagos Regional Coordinator of Asido Foundation, stated that women who have experienced GBV are three to five times more likely to commit suicide.
The mental health expert listed mood disorders, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, personality disorders, eating disorders, somatisation, deliberate self-harm, and suicide as some of the long-term effects of gender-based violence on mental health.
He maintained that people with mental illness are more likely to be victims and are overrepresented among perpetrators.
He explained, “People with certain mental illnesses are over-represented among perpetrators. Certain mental illnesses predispose them to unhealthy relationships or environments, and victims are more likely to have been abused in the future.
“Those who have witnessed or survived gender-based violence are more likely to be perpetrators in the future. Gender-based violence contributes to the emergence and worsening of mental health symptoms.”
On the short and long-term consequences of gender-based violence on mental health, the psychiatrist affirmed that the more violent the act, the more severe the consequences.
Aladejare identified low self-esteem, anger, guilt, early sexual activity, promiscuity, teenage prostitution, adult sexual dysfunction disorders, and relationship problems as other consequences of gender-based violence. Others, he said are depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, and substance abuse.
Way forward
The psychiatrist called for economic empowerment of women and the inclusion of women in policy and decision-making.
He urged the federal and state governments to implement the Violence Against Persons (Prohibition) Act 2015 and bring men into the discussion. He further suggested, “Destigmatize gender-based violence so that there can be more reporting and coordination between relevant agencies for effective reporting and safety of survivors.
“Integrating prevention measures across different sectors, including education, health, economic development and social protection will go a long way. Funding dedicated rehabilitation programmes and specialised Interventions also is another measure that will help.
He also recommended cognitive behavioural therapy, group therapy, and supportive therapy as other interventions for gender-based violence survivors.
